I worry a lot (standard worry- not excessive paranoid worry) about my children. Mostly I worry about things that have not yet happened, but that could- but probably will not. But might.
I worry about them running into the road, hitting each other with heavy objects, illness, bullying (both being and doing)- you know the kind of stuff.
My constant preoccupation is what my parenting is doing to them. Ezra watches telly first thing in the morning, for 15 minutes at lunch when I feed Seth, and for at least half an hour whilst I cook dinner. Does this render his brain mush?
Seth plays alone for ages, happily crawling and rolling around the room eating paper and crayons. He doesn't get anywhere near the attention his brother got, or gets. Ezra is definitely the centre of attention most of the time.
I rarely play with them and their toys- preferring to add a running commentary to whatever bizzarro world Ezra has conjured for them both. (Current favourite is Ezra the fireman driving a fire engine, whilst Seth is usually a cat, duck or dog.
We do play with bricks, and paint beautiful pictures (of fire engines, police cars and dogs, ducks and cats.)
Seth adores his brother and doesn't mind at all if Ezra rolls on top of him. Ezra loves is baby brodder and tells him hourly.
Ezra eats junk food sometimes. Seth eats from jars mostly. I havent sterilized a single spoon or bowl (he frequently licks the floor so it seems futile). I havent ever ironed any of their clothes.
Still, the worry keeps me on my toes and when they grow into ASBO hooligans, I'll know its the creased clothes, junk and telly. Its obvious who the arsonist will be.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
post traumatic exercise disorder
I am not using the cross trainer for 15 minutes and they can't make me. I didn't mind the running (I obviously preferred the walking) and the bike was a doddle compared with that evil swishy ski type uphill downhill machine.
Seems that in my absence gym equipment have learnt to recreate natural terrain. Hill running, bumps in the road, steep mountains. I thought that the whole point of going to the gym was that it was an artificial environment which ironed out the imperfections to make exercise easier.
I especially liked it when the machines told me how many calories I'd used up, but my favourite bit was when they said "stopping"
Seems that in my absence gym equipment have learnt to recreate natural terrain. Hill running, bumps in the road, steep mountains. I thought that the whole point of going to the gym was that it was an artificial environment which ironed out the imperfections to make exercise easier.
I especially liked it when the machines told me how many calories I'd used up, but my favourite bit was when they said "stopping"
Monday, June 26, 2006
operation shed
Today I will enter a new phase. With Seth eating three solid meals a day and mix feeding, I can comfortably start a weight loss plan. I say comfortably, when, of course it will not be comfortable- it will be tortuous.
I've got an induction with the gym this evening. I haven't used gym equipment in 13 years. We'll say no more on that subject for the moment.
I would like to lose a shocking amount of weight and for my legs to grow about 3 inches. A facelift and tummy tuck would also be quite nice.
So, I've set myself reasonable goals and *looks up* I've got a positive attitude.
I'm poised for success.
Just incase you've been waiting with baited breath. The first night they were together Seth woke up every hour- Ezra slept solidly through twelve hours of sporadic crying.
The second night Seth woke up twice. The third and fourth he has woken at 12am and 4.30am. Ezra has not left his bed or thrown toys at Seth, or wrecked the room. Seth and Ezra have been going to bed at 7pm and 7.30pm respectively and waking up at 6.30am. It seems that inflicting them on one another has worked to everyone's advantage (so far.)
I've got an induction with the gym this evening. I haven't used gym equipment in 13 years. We'll say no more on that subject for the moment.
I would like to lose a shocking amount of weight and for my legs to grow about 3 inches. A facelift and tummy tuck would also be quite nice.
So, I've set myself reasonable goals and *looks up* I've got a positive attitude.
I'm poised for success.
Just incase you've been waiting with baited breath. The first night they were together Seth woke up every hour- Ezra slept solidly through twelve hours of sporadic crying.
The second night Seth woke up twice. The third and fourth he has woken at 12am and 4.30am. Ezra has not left his bed or thrown toys at Seth, or wrecked the room. Seth and Ezra have been going to bed at 7pm and 7.30pm respectively and waking up at 6.30am. It seems that inflicting them on one another has worked to everyone's advantage (so far.)
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Together at last
Seth has joined his older brother in his bedroom. Our bedroom now feels so big we could have a small roller disco in it.
Seth is still sleeping poorly, but then so is Ezra so they can keep each other up.
This is either a very good, or very bad idea- but I can at least read in bed once more.
and just incase you are vibrating with anticipation- Since they began sharing a bedroom Seth is now waking only twice a night for milk- Midnight and 4.30am. (The first night he woke every hour-Ezra slept through almost 12 hours of sporadic crying.) Both are now waking at 6.30-7am. I feel quietly optimistic that the decision to inflict them upon each other may've worked to our advantage.
Seth is still sleeping poorly, but then so is Ezra so they can keep each other up.
This is either a very good, or very bad idea- but I can at least read in bed once more.
and just incase you are vibrating with anticipation- Since they began sharing a bedroom Seth is now waking only twice a night for milk- Midnight and 4.30am. (The first night he woke every hour-Ezra slept through almost 12 hours of sporadic crying.) Both are now waking at 6.30-7am. I feel quietly optimistic that the decision to inflict them upon each other may've worked to our advantage.
Monday, June 19, 2006
I would give anything for just 3 more minutes in bed...
Sometimes having two children is like being two people.
me 1: "Why won't he sleep through the night?"
me 2: "because he is teething/hungry/the product of your over meddling no. 1"
me 1: "I'm so tired, what can I do to make him sleep?"
me 2: "This won't last forever"
me 1: "It feels like forever"
me 2: "but its not. It goes so quickly. He'll be walking, and feeding himself and sleeping peacefully (ish) before you know it."
me 1. "I don't believe you. Look I'm so deliriously tired I'm talking to myself"
me 2. "Its true. Then you'll forget all about all this and start thinking about wanting another one."
me 1. "arrrrrgh!" thud.
me 1: "Why won't he sleep through the night?"
me 2: "because he is teething/hungry/the product of your over meddling no. 1"
me 1: "I'm so tired, what can I do to make him sleep?"
me 2: "This won't last forever"
me 1: "It feels like forever"
me 2: "but its not. It goes so quickly. He'll be walking, and feeding himself and sleeping peacefully (ish) before you know it."
me 1. "I don't believe you. Look I'm so deliriously tired I'm talking to myself"
me 2. "Its true. Then you'll forget all about all this and start thinking about wanting another one."
me 1. "arrrrrgh!" thud.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
A sleepy Ezra walks into the bedroom and peers through the cot bars at Seth
Ez:"you awake baby boy. Good morning howare you?"
Seth: grin
Ez:"you stink baby boy. poo!"
Seth: giggle
Ez: "Mummy, Seth stink. I not stink. "
Seth: fart
Ez: "Seth done poop Mummy"
Seth: "dadadadadadadadadadaa"
Ez: "Daddy change nappy, Seth?"
Me: "no, darling. Daddy's at work. Mummy will change Seth"
Ez: "Oh, Daddy idiot"
Ez:"you awake baby boy. Good morning howare you?"
Seth: grin
Ez:"you stink baby boy. poo!"
Seth: giggle
Ez: "Mummy, Seth stink. I not stink. "
Seth: fart
Ez: "Seth done poop Mummy"
Seth: "dadadadadadadadadadaa"
Ez: "Daddy change nappy, Seth?"
Me: "no, darling. Daddy's at work. Mummy will change Seth"
Ez: "Oh, Daddy idiot"
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
little mover
Its terrifying. Seth Jacob Arthur is fast approaching a crawl. Two weeks ago he was shuffling backwards, last week he was on his hands and tiptoes, this week he's made it to his knees several times. I thought Ez was quick to crawl at six months, but this kid is ready for off. He rolls around the room at apace avoiding being hit by a small green car driven by naked toddler and screeching "beep beep, I driding" and our recent ant invasion has spurred Seth to crawl toward the little black edible insects.
Its all about survival of the fittest.
Its all about survival of the fittest.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Perspective
Ezra wakes goes to bed at 7pm. He then spends roughly an hour wrecking his bedroom before collapsing in bed. He wakes at 6am and has more energy than a nuclear reactor. He is experiencing the terrible two's, and meanwhile Seth is waking every hour or so. All of this makes us tired and irritable. However, let me put this into context by writing of my Mum's recent experience.
My Mum had experienced severe bouts of trigeminal neuralgia for about ten years now. They call it the suicide disease as the attacks are so unbearably painful. Towards the end of last year she had also experienced a case of what she thought was shingles and had experienced spasms in her legs. She had been to her GP and had been sent off for some tests.
Around the same time Mum had her first routine mammogram. I remember laughing with her before the test that she was uncomfortable about being manhandled into a machine.
I can't remember which came first, but within weeks two diagnoses came back. Multiple Sclerosis, and cancerous cells in her breast tissue.
I recall feeling like I'd been punched in the head when she called to tell me about the MS. She had had a suspicion and claimed to be relieved to finally have a diagnosis. All I could think was that a cruel and unforgiving degenerative disease was ravaging my lively funny Mummy.
The cancer cells were more tricky. It was unclear from the scan what the 'abnormality' was. The good news was it was very small, and eventually she discovered that the bad news was cancer- however small-and had to be treated. My Mum had more and more tests, biopsies and consultations, as no one could decide how invasive the cancer was and how to treat it appropriately.
She experienced countless cancelled appointments and a few dangled carrots.
Meanwhile my sister's went through a particularly cataclysmic relationship break up and had to move home.
Then Seth and I almost died during childbirth.
Then my uncle John died.
Throughout all of this my Mum was her usual self. Practical and mostly upbeat. When I came round from sedation after having Seth, I was informed that my Mum was on her way down from our home town- despite having been signed off work by her GP to 'get some rest'. I cringe when I think of how she slept on that ropy old put-me-up bed and cared for my newborn baby while lingered in bed. All the time in much more pain that she ever let on. For a while she even returned to work.
My Dad was very low, but brilliantly supportive. I imagine it is unbearable to watch your most cherished love in excruciating pain.
Eventually a decision was made about my Mum's treatment and she had the cells removed. She was told that if the surgeon thought it necessary he would remove her lymph nodes at the same time. She woke up with her lymph nodes, but when she received the results of the tested cells, was told she had to have the nodes removed separately. Throughout all of this the neuralgia was being especially cruel. She had also been waiting for an operation to cauterize the nerves in her face, and this seemed at last to be the solution for her pain.
Two weeks after having her lymph nodes removed and only a few months after having breast tissue removed, she had surgery on her face. She was advised that she would feel immediate relief if the operation had worked.
She woke up in agony.
So, she's got three weeks of radiotherapy to look forward to in10 or so weeks, and can have further operations on her face until she gets some relief.
We have all been squinting to find that light at the end of the tunnel. There are no cancerous cells in the lymph nodes and so the radiotherapy should finish that chapter. Her MS is not fast moving, but I hope she won't mind me saying- it is debilitating.
There have been some darkly funny moments. My Mum's coordination can be a bit 'off' at times- resulting in two very black big toes from being constantly stubbed. Photo images of the offensive toes were texted to me whilst breastfeeding.
My Mum was my lifeline when I was experiencing PTS. She rang everyday and would let me groan about my misery. She laughed at my cleaning obsession claiming to be aggrieved that I'd never lifted a finger when at home, choosing instead to spend my teens buried under a mountain of filth in my bedroom.
When Ezra was in hospital for the first time. She texted we through the long night to let me know she was thinking of us.
My Mum is still in pain- but she's amazing and still laughing and this weekend when we went to stay, delighted Ezra and Seth.
So a bit of sleep deprivation aint so bad.
My Mum had experienced severe bouts of trigeminal neuralgia for about ten years now. They call it the suicide disease as the attacks are so unbearably painful. Towards the end of last year she had also experienced a case of what she thought was shingles and had experienced spasms in her legs. She had been to her GP and had been sent off for some tests.
Around the same time Mum had her first routine mammogram. I remember laughing with her before the test that she was uncomfortable about being manhandled into a machine.
I can't remember which came first, but within weeks two diagnoses came back. Multiple Sclerosis, and cancerous cells in her breast tissue.
I recall feeling like I'd been punched in the head when she called to tell me about the MS. She had had a suspicion and claimed to be relieved to finally have a diagnosis. All I could think was that a cruel and unforgiving degenerative disease was ravaging my lively funny Mummy.
The cancer cells were more tricky. It was unclear from the scan what the 'abnormality' was. The good news was it was very small, and eventually she discovered that the bad news was cancer- however small-and had to be treated. My Mum had more and more tests, biopsies and consultations, as no one could decide how invasive the cancer was and how to treat it appropriately.
She experienced countless cancelled appointments and a few dangled carrots.
Meanwhile my sister's went through a particularly cataclysmic relationship break up and had to move home.
Then Seth and I almost died during childbirth.
Then my uncle John died.
Throughout all of this my Mum was her usual self. Practical and mostly upbeat. When I came round from sedation after having Seth, I was informed that my Mum was on her way down from our home town- despite having been signed off work by her GP to 'get some rest'. I cringe when I think of how she slept on that ropy old put-me-up bed and cared for my newborn baby while lingered in bed. All the time in much more pain that she ever let on. For a while she even returned to work.
My Dad was very low, but brilliantly supportive. I imagine it is unbearable to watch your most cherished love in excruciating pain.
Eventually a decision was made about my Mum's treatment and she had the cells removed. She was told that if the surgeon thought it necessary he would remove her lymph nodes at the same time. She woke up with her lymph nodes, but when she received the results of the tested cells, was told she had to have the nodes removed separately. Throughout all of this the neuralgia was being especially cruel. She had also been waiting for an operation to cauterize the nerves in her face, and this seemed at last to be the solution for her pain.
Two weeks after having her lymph nodes removed and only a few months after having breast tissue removed, she had surgery on her face. She was advised that she would feel immediate relief if the operation had worked.
She woke up in agony.
So, she's got three weeks of radiotherapy to look forward to in10 or so weeks, and can have further operations on her face until she gets some relief.
We have all been squinting to find that light at the end of the tunnel. There are no cancerous cells in the lymph nodes and so the radiotherapy should finish that chapter. Her MS is not fast moving, but I hope she won't mind me saying- it is debilitating.
There have been some darkly funny moments. My Mum's coordination can be a bit 'off' at times- resulting in two very black big toes from being constantly stubbed. Photo images of the offensive toes were texted to me whilst breastfeeding.
My Mum was my lifeline when I was experiencing PTS. She rang everyday and would let me groan about my misery. She laughed at my cleaning obsession claiming to be aggrieved that I'd never lifted a finger when at home, choosing instead to spend my teens buried under a mountain of filth in my bedroom.
When Ezra was in hospital for the first time. She texted we through the long night to let me know she was thinking of us.
My Mum is still in pain- but she's amazing and still laughing and this weekend when we went to stay, delighted Ezra and Seth.
So a bit of sleep deprivation aint so bad.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
I love it when Moobs plays tags
Mooby is at it again with his probing questions and, I can't resist a pop quiz. see Moobs for details
(1) Why didn’t you think to say that at the time?
Ten minutes later you had the perfect comeback. What was it you should have said? Exact words please.
I know you are, you said you are, so what am I?
(2) A Damn Good Hiding
Have you ever hidden anything under your mattress? If so, what?
Plenty, but most recently- chocolate and my husbands jazz mags
(3) Guilt Trip
Have you ever felt guilty about something for more than a year? If so, what?
I still feel guilty about most of my teens
(4) Mother Knows Best
Name one thing you kept secret from your mother.
Most of 1988-1996 (sorry Mummy)
(5) Missed Opportunities
Is there someone from your past who, you now wonder, might have been your great missed love? If so, what are they doing now?
No. I now realise, with some distress, that my current husband is my great love. However, I do think if I'd had five minutes with Robbie Williams (Take That years), things might've been different.
(6) Poetry Please
What is the first line of the last poem you wrote?
Bright Morning, twinkly eyes
(1) Why didn’t you think to say that at the time?
Ten minutes later you had the perfect comeback. What was it you should have said? Exact words please.
I know you are, you said you are, so what am I?
(2) A Damn Good Hiding
Have you ever hidden anything under your mattress? If so, what?
Plenty, but most recently- chocolate and my husbands jazz mags
(3) Guilt Trip
Have you ever felt guilty about something for more than a year? If so, what?
I still feel guilty about most of my teens
(4) Mother Knows Best
Name one thing you kept secret from your mother.
Most of 1988-1996 (sorry Mummy)
(5) Missed Opportunities
Is there someone from your past who, you now wonder, might have been your great missed love? If so, what are they doing now?
No. I now realise, with some distress, that my current husband is my great love. However, I do think if I'd had five minutes with Robbie Williams (Take That years), things might've been different.
(6) Poetry Please
What is the first line of the last poem you wrote?
Bright Morning, twinkly eyes
Monday, June 05, 2006
consumption
Ezra is currently hurling Mr. Potato Head at his bedroom door in protest. Bedtimes are rubbish, apparently.
Anyway, the lads are munching away at apace and the feeder in me is delighted by this. Everytime Ezra tries a new food a little chip of anxiety falls away. I can feel the knots in my shoulders releasing. Could this be the end of his extreme faddiness?
Tonight he ate spaghetti and grated cheese. I could've cried- especially when he ate some of our spaghetti which was delicately enveloped in a lemon chilli garlic and olive oil dressing (anchovy paste in the sauce- it beefs it up a treat.) And not just cheese but grated cheese.
As I sit here supping a glass of wine (yes, I know I'm still breastfeeding, but Seth can have a bottle at 11. OK?) I keep thinking- this is madness. Its only pasta and cheese, and yet a whole world of consumption is opening up for us. I may've mentioned once or twice that I quite like to eat. I have trained husband to to also adore food, (you eat this or you go hungry) and we love to cook and eat out even more. Poor man is now slightly overweight as a result, but now we're the same. HA!
Being able to take the lads out to a restaurant and not have to worry about what they will eat (if anything at all) would be wonderful.
All we have to do now is learn from our mistakes and make sure Seth eats well from the start (I am taking liberties here) and do some serious table manners practice.
I hope that the one of the many things we can bestow our children is a love of food (no not obesity). If nothing else their girl/boyfriends will be chuffed that they can whip up a yorkshire pud and a good lemon and garlic pasta sauce.
Anyway, the lads are munching away at apace and the feeder in me is delighted by this. Everytime Ezra tries a new food a little chip of anxiety falls away. I can feel the knots in my shoulders releasing. Could this be the end of his extreme faddiness?
Tonight he ate spaghetti and grated cheese. I could've cried- especially when he ate some of our spaghetti which was delicately enveloped in a lemon chilli garlic and olive oil dressing (anchovy paste in the sauce- it beefs it up a treat.) And not just cheese but grated cheese.
As I sit here supping a glass of wine (yes, I know I'm still breastfeeding, but Seth can have a bottle at 11. OK?) I keep thinking- this is madness. Its only pasta and cheese, and yet a whole world of consumption is opening up for us. I may've mentioned once or twice that I quite like to eat. I have trained husband to to also adore food, (you eat this or you go hungry) and we love to cook and eat out even more. Poor man is now slightly overweight as a result, but now we're the same. HA!
Being able to take the lads out to a restaurant and not have to worry about what they will eat (if anything at all) would be wonderful.
All we have to do now is learn from our mistakes and make sure Seth eats well from the start (I am taking liberties here) and do some serious table manners practice.
I hope that the one of the many things we can bestow our children is a love of food (no not obesity). If nothing else their girl/boyfriends will be chuffed that they can whip up a yorkshire pud and a good lemon and garlic pasta sauce.
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