guilty conscience

As a child my mum would attribute every nightmare, worry and outburst to my guilty conscience. In fairness, I was always guilty of something, whether I knew it or not.
It is fitting then, that speaking with the counselor has helped me realise just how responsible I feel for what goes on around me.
A psychiatrist would undoubtedly have a field day with my God complex. Seemingly I am in control of, and responsible for almost everything in the universe. The reason I am feeling so awful at the moment is because the births of my children were affected by factors beyond my immediate control (though, if I'd listened to my mother this would never've happened. And if I'd gone for normal hospital delivery first time around, instead of wanting a homebirth, things would've been different- see, I have special powers).
Ezra experiencing his first asthma attack so shortly after I left hospital has further complicated matters (Did I imbibe too much red wine during pregnancy, and this is our punishment? Was it something I ate during breastfeeding? Did I not breastfeed for long enough? Is my house too dirty?)
I feel responsible, yet powerless and this is a relatively new feeling for me. It makes sense that my house is quite clean at the moment. I am trying to control our environment to make us safe.
We ended the session with the nodding counselor suggesting just a few more sessions would help,
"You are the only person who has found you guilty. No one else"
"But no one else's opinion really matters, does it" I replied
And there it is.